“Can you believe this?” I said. “Iran says wiping out Israel will solve the Mideast problem. The Vatican wants to excommunicate Madonna. I hear oil could hit $200 a barrel – wouldn’t that make Exxon happy, those gouging bastards. The US deficit is staggering beyond belief, and no one knows it. If we did we’d make a run on our IRAs!”
“Honey,” my wife said. I ignored her.
“A guy in Ohio says his civil rights include having sex with boys. The heat waves are getting longer and hotter and this morning I found a piece of ice with a funny blue tinge floating in the toilet. It’s been so hot in that even Pat Robertson believes in global warming.
“AOL is about to lay off thousands. Rumsfeld is blaming the rise of Iraqi insurgent violence on the hot weather. (The man is certifiable). Oh, and it looks like the Guantanamo prisoners will be there forever. Castro’s got diverticulosis and is finally shitting the same blood his people have for forty seven years. And some broad on “The View” would rather you have a rapist’s baby than the morning-after pill.
“And what about Mel Gibson? Only two misdemeanor charges? Forget the Jew-bashing. Driving drunk at high speed is very serious business. Why's he getting special treatment? If I'd been pulled over I’d be doing my 60 days in jail right now. You’d think the DA would be more sensitive to the ‘other’ real issue here.
“But why give a damn about Gibson when Hezbollah is firing Iranian and Syrian-made rockets into Israel. What if a full scale war breaks out? Nowhere to run for any of them. Millions of innocent people who would opt for peace will die thanks to leaders who don't really want peace. Oil will go through the roof. We’ll have to arm to protect the house. Did you get those water bottles I asked you to?
“We can’t get a decent immigration bill. Health care is in the dumper. The middle class is disappearing. Our politicians lie to us. Neither party has ....”
My wife looked up. "Honey!"
“What?” I said. “What? Don’t even get me started. Everything’s getting worse. Isn't it? Am I just imagining this? Was it this way ten years ago? When we were kids? Did we just not pay attention?
"I’m starting to believe in the Apocalypse. Maybe the End-Timers are right. Right on schedule. We’re all doomed!”
“Honey,” she said, this time more softly.
“Come on." She shrugged, and her eyes and mouth arranged themselves into that weary but patient look I've grown used to. "Put down the paper. We haven't even finished breakfast."
"Never mind, then," I said. "I suppose there's always tomorrow."