Adventures in Swagland: the Talent and the Talented, Pt. 2 (Grammys & Golden Globes version)

** What I learned this time: The Talent (celebrities) and the Talented (media) get different colors of wristbands--which I hadn't realized at my inaugural swag lounges, for the Emmys, and which is how they know whether to give you the free Caribbean vacation or the free Caribbean Living magazine.

** What that really means: Hollywood discriminates by color on a regular basis.

** Sample swag this time around--most of which the Talented didn't get: Hawaiian soda with multiple anti-oxidants; a papaya-enzyme exfoliator that works on a molecular level; a scalar-energy pendant with volcanic minerals that radiate in a circular motion and protect your body's natural energy field from electro-pollution; vegan-certified anti-aging pills that extend the life span of mice by 30% and the mice die of natural causes and not dementia or stroke or heart disease; and a no-rinse laundry wash infused with pure beneficial oils.

** Why I got that cool t-shirt: The Smalls were almost out, but there were still lots of Mediums.

** Why I got the exfoliator that works on the molecular level: She didn't see my blue wristband until it was too late--and then she had to give one to my Talented swag-lounge-buddy Lynn too.

** What I tried to get for my Mom but just couldn't convince them: A corn-resin watch with a bamboo dial--and did I mention that my Mom loves watches, and that she collects them, and that she finished her chemo last year?

** Nicest to the Talented: CGear, with Sand Free Multimats--the coolest, highest-quality beach mats that you've ever seen! Really. And reasonably priced. And never tested on mice.

** More swag for the Talent: vegan gluten-free shampoo with anti-aging properties; youth pleasure walnut body scrub; endless youth and life super food supplements; youngevity mineral makeup; longevity bioceuticals supplements; advanced anti-aging skin cream with Swiss alpine plant cells; and an anti-wrinkle bio-cellulose mask with fermented coconut juice bacteria.

** # of the Talent I recognized: Zero--and as I've mentioned in the past, I do in fact watch way way too much TV.

** What I had that none of the Talent had: Grey hair.

** What I had that none of the other Talented had: Grey hair.

** The Keep-Talking-and-You-Just-Might-Win-the-Keep-Talking-It's-Hysterical-Award Award:

Grammys: "Put the [scalar-energy] pendant in a glass of beer or a glass of wine. It won't taste great, but it'll alter the molecular structure. That's my best proof.... I don't know why."

Golden Globes: "This has 1000 times the science as a├žai...The mice were running around up to the last day."

** Couture Award: the tall, Titian-ish woman in mountain-high black heels and a black mini-halter thing, but the halter was both front and back. Close second: the twins in the matching white mini-pant-suits, like sort of a Heidi porn twins theme.

** Biggest disappointment: Where were the sex toys?--unlike at the Emmys green-products lounge. After all, California Exotics was so nice to the Talented, and their really nice Jewish PR rep even made me one of their Sexperts after we met there. And not only are their toys sweet and fun and high-quality, and free--as long as I plug them, which I'm happy to do because they're sweet and fun and high-quality and designed by women (just think about it, women!)--but also, they're phthalate-free plus a lot of the vibrators are solar-powered and/or have rechargeable batteries.

** Confession: I pass on most of the beauty-related swag to my friend Cindy--because I say, "Huh, arctic cloudberry collagen-reducing day creme??!" and she says, "Wow, arctic cloudberry collagen-reducing day creme!!!"

** Still waiting for: the carbon-neutral shredder they promised they'd send me in biodegradable packaging.

** Still haven't taken: the 5 (count 'em, 5) anti-aging pills the Talented could get.

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