Water water everywhere, but ne'er a drop for water-boarding

Thumbnail image for al-martinez-sketch.jpgWarning: Unless we change our ways in California we are going to run out of water by about Christmas Day 2016. We may end up having to exist on purified human sweat and dog drool.

Not since the last doomsday prediction failed to see the Earth go tumbling off into space like a toy balloon has any kind of apocalyptic threat been so widely received. It is on television and radio 24 hours a day, in newspapers and magazines with relentless illustrations and warnings from the state's pulpits that God is pissed and we are doomed.

The water threat originated from no less an authority than a NASA mathematician who concluded after writing a string of numbers and symbols on a blackboard that only other mathematicians understood, that the state has only enough water in storage to get us through the next 12 to 18 months.

All of us good citizens immediately began scratching around looking for new ways to save water beyond curtailing drips from leaky faucets and showering with friends. It would not be a nude shower, by the way. You would be fully clothed and drenched in soap suds to wash you, your friend and your clothes at the same time.

Word how California is fighting the water crisis will circle the globe and encourage others to do the same. There wll be no more water-boarding as a form of torture, for instance. The torturers would have to switch to another form of liquid, leading to innovations such as Coca Cola-boarding, say, or Fanta-boarding.

Cinelli and I are thinking about moving to Alabama where they shower less than the average person and don't mind drinking their moonshine straight. Or maybe to outer Alaska where not only is there an abundance of water but also an abundance of grizzly bears to eat, if they don't eat you first.

I visited the UC Water Conservation Lab in Richmond once where I was offered a glass of purified urine. I do not drink anything that isn't offered at a bar and I have never been offered purified pee-pee at the Red Dog , so it was no thank you to the UC water scientists. No pee-pee for me, either straight up or on the rocks. Piss in any form will just never replace vodka.

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