LAFD responds to 86% of fires 'before they even started'

lafd-truck-dtn.jpgJon Regardie, editor of the Downtown News, has some Mobius Strip-inspired fun with the Los Angeles Fire Department's confusing messages about its response time on fire and ambulance calls. Excerpt from the story:

“For years the fine men and women of the LAFD, when not hazing rookies, have put out fires as quickly as possible. Our response times were historically meteoric. In 2005, according to data generated by the yeti that lives in my backyard, we responded to 86% of the city’s fires before they even started. I don’t understand why someone would question anything we have done. Ever.

“I know that some members of the political establishment are angry that budget cuts were made based on numbers they were not brilliant enough to comprehend. They’ve been hearing it up the wazoo from some of their flame-retardant constituents. So, once again, in the simplest language possible, something that even a goo-goo-ga-ga still-goes-wee-wee-in-its-diaper baby could get, I will explain how we calculate response times.

“Numerical orchestrations are assembled by collaborating the synaptic endodontic inebriation system with an aneroid barometer wielded by ZigBuck, the vampire who lives in my garage. We then embody a neuropteran conflagration of the star-spangled verisimilitude and put it through a synchrotron that has been multiplied by the inverse proportion of the panoply of the Mobius Strip.

“I trust that my point is clear."

Photo: Gary Leonard/Downtown News

More by Kevin Roderick:
Ralph Lawler of the Clippers and the age of Aquarius
Riding the Expo Line to USC 'just magical'
Last bastion of free parking? Loyola Marymount to charge students
Matt Kemp, Dodgers and Kings start big weekend the right way
LA Times writers revisit their '92 riots observations
Recent Responders stories on LA Observed:
Officer saves choking infant before nabbing robbery suspect
Mayor's counsel disputes City Attorney advice to hold back LAFD data
LAFD responds to 86% of fires 'before they even started'
Villaraigosa sends new stats guy over to fire department
Map: LAFD response times by fire station

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