I have to give it to Steven Mirkin, the Los Angeles music journalist. He makes lemonade of impaling his testicles on an iron fence while house-sitting for a friend — while locked out of the house, with a dog who tried to bite the paramedics. From his amusing piece at Salon:
It was a busy day at the emergency room, but not so busy that news of my injuries didn’t make the rounds....Everybody wanted to get a look at my extraordinary genitalia. Stabbings and shootings are everyday occurrences, but a good impaling — especially one in the crotch — hadn’t been in style since the 12th century. I didn’t mind. Sadly, this was the most attention my penis had experienced in quite some time....
When I woke up, a few hours and 15 stitches later, I discovered that I am the luckiest person ever to impale himself on a fence. It was just a flesh wound, albeit in a part of the body you never want to hear the words “flesh” and “wound” in such proximity. None of my plumbing was affected; all I had to worry about was healing.
Four days later, I was released. Back in the house, welcomed by the dog, I finally realized how close I had come to doing something really stupid, and wept. I realized something had to change. I could not go on living my life like a tourist. Sometimes you need a good kick in the balls (or in my case, a spike) to gain a moment of clarity.
Or maybe not. It’s now three months later. I have an apartment (a share, but a roof over my head), but I do not have a car or a job. I’m still scraping by as a freelancer. I’m not sure I’ve learned anything, other than that theft deterrent fences are a very good investment.
By the way, he says he can laugh about $97,000 in medical bills (and counting) because he had enrolled in a pilot Obamacare program. "After listening to all the hand-wringing in Tampa, I’m having trouble figuring out what part of my freedom I’ve given up in order to keep my genitals intact," he writes, adding: "I saw the surgeon the other day and was given a clean bill of health, which means I can go back to not having sex again."