Alright, I hope Kevin doesn't axe me for running a previously published, crusty, old article of questionable taste, but I was sitting here, marveling at the Toto ad next to the chronically low-turnover Native Intelligence blog and thought perhaps I might rectumfy the situation by posting a piece I wrote a few years ago for the 2002 Best of LA Weekly issue, edited by Judith Lewis. Contributors were asked to imagine a future Los Angeles and connect it to a thing to do or buy or see in L.A. and in my usual manner, I chose something lowbrow and inane. But now, five years later with a bidet ad running on this site, perhaps we are getting closer to my ideal future. So please forgive me for lowering the bar here at LAO.
Bidet of the Locust
I have a dream for the future. A dream in which every man, woman and child in Los Angeles, nay, in Southern California has a clean, fresh ass.
It's not an unreasonable dream, given the fact that the population of Los Angeles is expected to increase by 600,000 souls every year. That's a lot of arses to warsh. How many entire showers will be taken simply to hose our heinies? As drought years pile up, how will we all stay fresh and moist without draining our water supply dry?
Bidets! Yes, bidets, those French, fanny flushers, usually found in swank hotels, between the telephone and the commode.
Butt-washing is not the most savory of topics, but we should admit that under our racy Angeleno exteriors we are all a bunch of Puritans terrified of turd, paralyzed by poop. Unlike our free and easy Euro-brethren, we are scandalized by a bath fixture devoted solely to the care and cleaning of our cracks.
Yet many recent studies have shown bum-wiping to be a highly unsanitary business. Thanks to the tireless efforts of dedicated bathroom researchers, we also know that we "hygiene obsessed" Americans are in reality, a bunch of shabby hand-washers. Throw thong panties into the mix and we may be sitting on a public health crisis. Wouldn't it be better if everyone just got a nice, refreshing dumper douche instead?
Picture, if you will, Los Angeles' public rest rooms as spotless, paper-and-human-waste-free areas where butt bubblers burble. Hard to imagine? Picture Tokyo, where today bidets are built into the toilet seats, and you need only press a button to flush, wash and dry to soothing music, or the discrete and relaxing sound of running water. From a quality of life standpoint, bidet laws could mean the difference between a tense and crusty public, or a serene and dewey-assed citizenry.
This isn't just a pipe dream, people. TOTO, the leading Japanese bidet manufacturer has "Washlets" available for purchase in our fair city. They are mechanized seats that you can affix to your existing crapper for a mere $500-$900. Too expensive you say? What did you pay for your spa tub - which are veritable hotpots of bacteria?
Bidets are so much more than mere heinie hydrants. They are therapeutic for post-partum women and any one who suffers from hemorrhoids or wears a diaper. Anyone that is, with inflamed or angry nethers. They also make excellent sock washers, beard baths, foot dippers and sandy-shoe dumpers. And which of us does not delight in a child's first enchantment with the dancing waters of the bidet, cranking it up and blasting it until the ceiling drips?
The very best use for bidets, however, is the one bidet manufacturers never advertise. Bidets are especially good for pre-and post-coital lavation, and it is as twat-washers that bidets get their risque reputation. In this way, Los Angeles and bidets are a match made in heaven. We are the cultural leader in racy lifestyles as well as in health and hygiene trends. We're the home of the bikini wax and the high colonic. I say, let's take it one step further, show the rest of the country what we're really made of and put a hoo-hoo flume in every bathroom!