WASHINGTON D.C. JULY 23, 2008: According to a highly placed oil industry source who spoke on condition of anonymity, a recent discovery in the Arctic, reported today on Bloomberg.com, and a story from Reuters, supply the missing pieces to the puzzle that finally lays bare the reason behind the United States’ long-standing stubborn refusal to participate in the Kyoto Accords, as well as the current administration’s steadfast unwillingness to admit that global warming exists.
The Bloomberg.com article by Joe Carroll says that the “Arctic may hold 90 billion barrels of oil, more than all the known reserves of Nigeria, Kazakhstan and Mexico combined, and enough to supply U.S. demand for 12 years," according to the U.S. Geological Survey.
At the same time, the Reuters story suggests that, “The forecast comes as Russia is competing with Canada, Denmark, Norway and the United States to grab a chunk of the huge energy resources in the Arctic, an area growing more accessible due to global warming melting the ice.
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” said the source, a member of Vice President Cheney’s still-secret Energy Task Force that met in the early days of the President’s first term. “Forget drilling in ANWAR and all this talk about lifting the offshore drilling ban. Those are just diversions. The plan all along has been to melt the ice in order to access the oil so we can tell those sand-worm bastards to go to hell once and for all. With any luck, the whole Arabian peninsula would sink like Atlantis. Wait ... forget the part about Atlantis. I'm, uh, not supposed to talk about that. Can we keep that off the record?"
When asked about how he could have gone along with a despicable plan more worthy of a James Bond nemesis than our Vice President, the source laughed and said, "You've got that backward. Besides, I think Dick's got his agent trying to get him an audition for the next Bond film. The question is will he be able to leave his safe-house in Dubai and go on location without a security detail to keep those goons from the World Court off his back."
One question remained to be answered. "I'm talking now because I thought Cheney meant the Antarctic. The way he mumbles and speaks out of one side of his mouth, it's hard to tell. Otherwise I’d never have bought that beachfront compound in Laguna. You can't believe what flood insurance costs these days. I'd have been better off buying a yacht."
"I just feel like hell about the whole thing," he added, stopping just short of an apology.
When told of the secret plot, energy experts said that the big question in days to come will be whether to keep the Escalades and the Expeditions up for sale, or to delete the Cars-For-Less ads and just wait for gas prices to drop. They also said that given the almost 20 cents plunge in less than two weeks -- and predictions of $3.50 a gallon gas by Labor Day -- a flurry of short-selling in oil futures and heavy investments in galoshes is expected.