Open letter to 'the worst wax museum in America'

worst-wax-museum-vice.jpgUnder the Jamie Lee Curtis Taete byline, a story in Vice pronounces the Hollywood Wax Museum the worst wax museum in America. "Dear Hollywood Wax Museum," she begins. "I recently visited your Los Angeles location and was exceptionally disappointed with what I saw. Upon entering, I was greeted by your Tom Hanks in Castaway waxwork. It was not very good. Scary, even.

"I have never seen Castaway, so there may actually be a scene in which Tom Hanks becomes blind in one eye, but I doubt that is the case."

Her disappointments are many:

But it wasn't just your Tom Hanks that was awful. It was all of your waxworks. They look like something from the nightmares of a person who has been blind since birth and has no real concept of what human beings look like.

Some time ago, I watched a documentary about a ship that sank in the Baltic Sea. There was this one shot that has haunted me since, where they showed the beautiful, blond wife of one of the people who had gone down with the ship. She was standing on the shoreline, looking out into the Baltic Sea as it slowly dawned on her that she would never be seeing her husband again. There was a sadness in her eyes that haunts me to this day.

Your Cameron Diaz looks identical to how that looks in my head. I am genuinely surprised she hasn't yet sued for defamation.

Some of your waxworks are so bad that I would never have had even the slightest of clues who they were if I hadn't been explicitly told.

She goes on. This is kind of funny: "Beyond just looking really, really, really, really shitty, your waxworks have a larger issue: you have, without exception, managed to depict each celebrity as a character in their least memorable movie."

More by Kevin Roderick:
'In on merit' at USC
Read the memo: LA Times hires again
Read the memo: LA Times losing big on search traffic
Google taking over LA's deadest shopping mall
Gustavo Arellano, many others join LA Times staff
Recent Diversion stories on LA Observed:
Could Donaldo Trumpez make Mexico great again?
This day at Woodstock: 'Good morning, people!' (video)
The WeHoans: How to avoid traffic on La Cienega (video)
Greatest jokes that never made it on Letterman
Vanity Fair's flow chart of California drought shaming
LA votes to move Santa Monica 'closer'
Susannah Hoffs of the Bangles sings karaoke in DTLA bar (video)
Clinton Global Initiative versus the other CGI