This afternoon, after watching a matinee of “Margot at the Wedding” at the Encino Laemmle, my wife and I pulled our car out of the parking lot and cruised slowly toward the stop sign, to make a right turn. Suddenly, from our left, barreling blindly around the corner from behind a tall hedge, a woman in a mini-van turned right on to our street. Well, not quite right. She made a right turn into the left lane, our lane. We got a gander at her jabbering on her cell phone like she didn’t have a care in the world -- which luckily she doesn’t because we swerved just in time.

Please don’t hit me!

Haven’t you heard of hands-free? Bluetooth ear pieces? Speakerphones?

Of course this behavior is not the exclusive province of women, it's just that some reason I see mostly women behind the wheels of Explorers, Navigators, Expeditions, Escalades, Hummers, and the rest, yakking while making one-handed left turns – usually with school kids in the back.

Please don’t hit anyone!

My wife and I shook off the near collision and drove west on Ventura Blvd. In the distance we saw tow truck and police car lights. An ambulance, too. A couple blocks later we discovered why. Someone in a Volvo SUV had made a right turn off Ventura and swung wide, colliding with a car waiting at the light. A cell phone lay on the ground.

Please don’t hit us!

When does that hands free law go into effect?

Why is it only for teenagers?

Your car is not your f*$%ing living room or bedroom or kitchen or den, and if you insist on treating it as such, at least keep both hands on the wheel. No. Stay at home and talk. What's so earth-shattering that it can't wait until everyone around you will be safe?

I’m tired of watching you slow down in traffic because you’re dialing, or talking, or – GOD FORBID! – texting, and not paying attention. I’m scared when you swerve into my lane, or straddle two – and not because you’re drunk. I’m petrified at the example you’re setting for your children.

Please. Please. Please. I really want to live long enough to use all those retirement savings. I’d like you to live long, too.