When the NFL returns to L.A.

Terrell Owens, newly of the Dallas Cowboys, was in Southern California this weekend, attending team training camp in Oxnard. Since L.A. doesn't have a professional football team besides the USC Trojans, this was newsflash material for area NFL fans, who turned out in record numbers to see a Texas sports franchise.

That's desperation.

It really is too bad the NFL hasn't replanted its flag here, because if any town could make the most out of a playa like T.O., it's Los Angeles. John Donne wrote that no man is an island, but he'd never seen some of the homes on Rockingham, or an ego like T.O.'s. We love self-involvement here -- it's not just an noun in L.A., it's a lifestyle. I, for one, can't wait until football comes back to the land of excess, because let's face it: It is the sport of excess.

The one thing I ask from the future owner of the L.A. franchise -- please pick a name that fits the city. How did we wind up with a team called the Rams in the first place? Sure, that might have been the name of the original 1936 AFL squad from Cleveland, but when tourists come to Los Angeles, even they know its time to primp. The Hawaiian shirts stay in Kansas.

So in the interest of keeping football in L.A. for years to come, here are my bottom five names for the new team, whenever it finally gets here. I'd give you my top five, but I don't have more than an hour to work on this. (Want the top five? Pay me for my time.)

10. The Juggernauts. Is there a more appropriate name than the L.A. Juggs for this town? (I have to give credit where credit is due -- Brad Riddell, a screenwriter in my fantasy football league, uses this one. That said, who knows where he got it from.)

9. The Raiders 2: Al Davis Go Home. Yes, it's a lot to get on a helmet, but after everything the Oakland franchise put this city through, Davis deserves it. Plus, it's a sequel, which film industry execs will appreciate.

8. The Winter. Because as everyone knows, there's nothing better than a winter in L.A.

7. The Savages. Great mascot. Plus, it could refer to all those other groups that you and your peeps don't belong to. You know -- those guys. Freakin' savages.

And the number six name for Los Angeles' new franchise is:

6. The Inferno. Been to the Valley recently? Or to any one of the talent agencies? Trust me, it fits perfectly.

July 30, 2006 11:53 PM • Native Intelligence • Email the editor

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