Here Seamus! Here America! Get in! Let's go for a ride!

Okay kids, Seamus, let's rally! We're right on schedule and we can't waste any time! After all, we're headed for the White House, right Ann?...Okay, okay, sure we're stopping in Canada but not for long!...Seamus, come on, hop in, fella, you like car trips, remember? That's right, come on, good boy...Don't worry, everything will be fine...I added a windshield to your crate so now you'll have a very special view of this great land of ours as we embark on another adventure! Seamus, remember the family cottage? Gosh, that's got a nice ring to it! "Family cottage"...You know, when I was a little boy summering on the shores of Lake Huron...oh, right, Ann, time to zip my lip and roll 'em, roll 'em, roll 'em, so come on, big fella...I know you like the open road...Who doesn't like to get out and see this big old country of ours? Right, kids? ...Shake a tail feather, buddy, atta boy...It's nice in there, right, Seamus? Good boy, that's right...See? There's your toys...that's right, keep going...All the way in...I'm closing the door now...Don't worry...Everything will be fine...OK, here come the boys and we're picking you up now and putting you up there in the captain's watch...Nothing but the best seat in the house for you, big guy ...Whoa! Easy there, everyone...OK, let's strap er down...Get this rig properly secured...Can't have Seamus tumbling overboard on the freeway, right? All right, looks good to go...Everything ok in there, Seamus?... Good boy...You need anything just knock on the roof heh heh...Tagg, don't make faces...your mother laughs at that joke every time we hit the road, right Ann?...Of course I know Seamus can't really knock on the roof, per se...You know honey, did I ever tell you that I love your laugh?...On the other hand, Seamus is a smart one, one of these days he just may surprise us...

OK boys, your turn...Get in! Good job. Buckle up...everyone settled? Ann? AOK in wingman position? Boys, did you bring your real estate workbooks? Oh, just a little reminder...has everyone relieved themselves? Remember, it's a ten-hour trip and we're only making three stops, so please time yourselves accordingly, and that includes your truly...if we stopped every time someone had a need, with five of you boys, well we'd never have a vacation, now would we? And even toddlers need to get used to schedules, right, Ann? And honey, one other thing, the sandwiches?...Hey, hey, hey there...I'm not nagging you, it's just a minor though nonetheless important concern from your handsome hubby with the winning smile who happens to be doing all of the driving...Did you put the Pringles in my sandwich? And it's tuna, right? Last time it was egg salad - not that I don't live for your signature egg salad, I really do - but you left the Pringles in the can instead of on top of the sandwich filling and it's too hard to root around for them while I'm negotiating a lane change, for example...honey, of course you can hold the can like last time but that's not really my preference...OK looks like we're ready for another great adventure in ye old white whale...What's that saying...heavy metal thunder? 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, here we come!...

You know, family, as we head out on the highway and I look at all of you in the rear view mirror - and you too, Ann, as I take in your beauty with a sidelong glance - I must tell you that I'm struck by how good-looking we are...Forgive me, Lord, I know that's not humble but Jesus Christ, I don't think I've ever seen such a good-looking brood...Big help in ye olde run for the White House...Boys, did you know there's a bowling alley in the President's abode? Imagine that! Of course we don't bowl, but some of our working class friends engage in that endeavor and, well, some day we'll have them over for a good meal and participation in their favorite pastime...Ann, could I have a sandwich now?...Oh, yes, I am a happy camper...you remembered where to put the chips...You know, I love this family man stuff...Honey, thanks to you and your special magic, we have not one but five scions...you know, it never hurts to have one more...Just thinking about it makes me, well, you know...Maybe I should pull over and we can go for Mitt Romney #6... OK OK, I'm sorry, you're right of course, we need to stay on schedule because if we don't, then why do we have them?...And yes, we do have some other fish to fry...if we keep playing our cards right - well not cards of course because we children of the Prophet don't play cards - some day, I'll lead the entire country down the path of fruitfulness and multiplication and all of our fellow citizens will be able to reap the wonders of the bounty all around us...That way, we'll all get to the Promised Land...

...Tagg, stop saying "gross" - "gross" should only be used when referring to an amount of produce...What? Something's wrong with Seamus?...Oh darn, looks like he sprang a leak...A severe leak, if I may say so...Tagg, you're right, it is kind of gross...Think I better pull over, even though it's not time for a designated stop...OK kids, help me lower the crate...Don't worry, Seamus, you'll be all right, you just got a little carsick, that's all...happens to the best of us...Wow, you had one heck of an accident, right big guy? My sincere apologies...you've done so well up there on previous trips, I thought it was kind of a tradition! And you know the Romneys - tradition is important, and to deviate from it, well, that's not a good thing, generally, is all I know...OK boy, come on out...We'll get you cleaned up and then we'll be on our way...Boys, can you help me out here? Ann, can you grab a towel, we've got some spares, right?...I know you always pack several of everything, except when you don't...Hey hey hey, honey, turn that frown upside down, it was just a joke, otherwise this moment might become the serious moment that it truly is and I'm trying hard to lighten things up...isn't that allowed around here?...OK, this is me, smiling, as I grab this hose and prepare to make things right...Here we go...Seamus, I know you don't like baths...me neither, I'm a shower man from way back, Ann and I have had some great ones...you know, just thinking about them...honey, are you sure about Mitt #6?...OK OK, again, my sincere apologies...I'll never mention it again...Seamus we're almost finished...good boy...one more paw here...All righty! You are one handsome devil, my friend...a fine addition to the Romney clan...Maybe you just got a little over-excited up there...It's a great big beautiful country and with that one-of-a-kind roof-top view, who wouldn't, I ask you? OK boys, since we've made an unscheduled stop, I'm canceling one of the others, so make sure to use your time wisely here...Have you?...Great!...And looks like Seamus is good to go...And so are we, right, family of mine? Here boy...time to get back in...that's right, good boy, keep going...you like it in there, remember? And up you go...just like the whole thing never happened...


More by Deanne Stillman:
Notes on Petraeus et al: a shabby tale of strivers, over-achievers and hangers-on *
Here Seamus! Here America! Get in! Let's go for a ride!
Republicans adopt "Rosemary's Baby Exception"
Who you gonna call?
Another reason LA homicide rates are down...
Previous Native Intelligence story: LA Sketchbook: Non-taxpayers

Next Native Intelligence story: LA Sketchbook: Lemonade

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