Of all the stories that put Malibu in the news recently, none has fascinated the foreign press quite like our septic issues. We've become an international fart joke. Headline writers in India, Canada, the UK, New Zealand and China have gone mad with glee: Malibu Poop Under Investigation! Malibu Poop Patrol! Something Stinks in the Stars' Homes! Not since Mad Mel's boozy midnight ride has our little city made so many headlines. The stories run with headshots of Pam Anderson, Pierce Brosnan and Tom Hanks, and are jazzed up with "what if" scenarios in which inspectors rouse the guilty glitterati in the dead of night and march them off to poop prison.

It's an important issue and we here in Malibu look forward to seeing where the DNA trail leads. Is it local human waste? Local animal waste? Or, as some suspect, a sewage treatment plant further upstream that dumps into our local creeks? Whatever the answer, rest assured that the foreign press will keep us well informed.