Meanwhile, back at the ranch. We may have a zombie meth-head named Tweaker Tom on the loose. And he's likely a neighbor. The Eastsider has a report. According to EP's senior lead officer, the respected and colorful Bobby Hill, "Tweaker Tom" is behind many of the car-break-ins that have been so abundantly reported recently. Hill told the Eastsider: "They [our local meth heads] are like zombies out in the middle of the night." But Hill is no zombie. You may recall he won a $3.1 million settlement against the LAPD in September -- in which he fought back after being punished for reporting that colleagues of his were making racial epithets.

That said, I would like to extend an personal invitation to Tweaker Tom to clean out my vehicle, if he can a) refrain from breaking any windows and b) leave the car seat. Tom will find: dried sycamore leaves, about 12 wooden letters of the alphabet, including a captial D, crumpled Dixie cups, crumbled goldfish crackers, empty juice box complete with straw, pennies, dog hair, and plastic bags from the newspaper. That's the best of it. On second thought, maybe I'd rather keep my letters, leaves and dog hair. ...